Penultimate lecture

I dread dropping Goobster off at daycare.  He cries when I leave.  He also stops crying quickly (I’ve seen).  And he’s playing happily when I return.  But I don’t love the woman running it.  So I’m happy to have only one more lecture.  After that there’s one office hour and the final and then I’m done teaching.

Not done forever I don’t think, but when I come back to it I want to be older and accomplished.  I want to make the students laugh and have startling insights, and I want them to adore me.  I did make them laugh today which felt great, and I also had them engaged, but that’s because I was talking about female orgasms.  As I drove away I imagined what a rush it would be to be a really phenomenal lecturer.  Like Richard Alexander.  Or like Robin’s mom who (according to Robin) got a round of applause after every class.

On my way to the daycare I stopped for a piece of pizza since I knew Goobs would be napping.  These days it’s quite a luxury to eat a piece of pizza and peruse the paper by myself.  This was my horoscope for the day:

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Today is an 8 — Share love, and invent happiness. Don’t be afraid to speak in public. They want to hear what you have to say. Say it from the heart. Don’t forget to listen, too.

I do need to invent some happiness.  Things are very sad right now because we hurt for the Whiz’s dad and feel powerless to help.  We got a thoughtful, optimistic, moving letter from him today- the first since his diagnosis.  It’s hard to process.  At dinner we watched the video that Whiz edited together for them from the clips of Henry’s first year.

I did make an improvement today but am in no mood to record it.  My ambition to banish the shabby and gross feels petty but also pressing because. . . this is our life.  So many moments play out all the time and each one is an opportunity for beauty and meaning.  It’s overwhelming.  I’m overwhelmed.


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