Needs work

Oh, today was a hard day.  After class, Sam, my boss, told me my lectures “need work”.  I felt so many different things- defensive and sad and like he was being unfair and like maybe it was a welcome kick in the right direction and lots more regret for agreeing to teach and foolish for persisting in something that’s wrong for me.  A little part of me wanted to explain that there’s nothing at all in this lousy deal that would begin to make it worth my effort.  And a big part of me wants to make the most of it because I am in fact doing it.  I want this class to be the best class they ever have because that’s what it was for me even although I came to it as a T.A.  Oh, it’s on my fingertips to fire off an e-mail to him saying “Sam, I’ve been thinking about what you said to me and it wasn’t very helpful”.  What does it mean that my lectures “need work”.  He wasn’t very specific.   I also fantasize about doing a phenomenal job for the rest of the quarter and making the students gush adoringly about me in their evaluations and disparage Sam.  I fume about all the ways he is a frustrating co-instructor and disorganized and hard to follow and long-winded and often not insightful.  It probably didn’t help/ doesn’t help that I only had about 4 hrs sleep last night.  I worry that I am a sad person in a shabby sad outfit inducing pity in people around me.  Plunging hopelessly into mediocrity.  Whiz was really nice when I called him to talk about Sam’s comment though.

It’s later now and this entry is making me laugh.  I’ve decided to post in its full glory.

Improvement: None to speak of.  In fact the opposite of an improvement: after lecture I was so upset by Sam’s comment that I scraped the Passat on a cement support in the parking garage.  I did make homemade mushroom and olive pizza and chocolate chip cookies from scratch though.

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